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Birther 12-step program

The best part of blogging is coming up with titles for the articles. A recent story at the Post & Email blog gives 12 steps  for indicting President Obama. Two US Attorneys General have determined that a sitting president cannot be indicted; that would violate the separation of powers doctrine in the  Constitution. However, the law never bothered birthers before.

Here are the indictment steps, with my snarking comments in bold face type. You can leave your own snarking comments too!

  1. Advertise and promote the Fact that you are forming a Grand Jury to investigate government corruption in Blogs, Local Newspapers and Community Organizations. The FIRST step is to get your PayPal account set up to accept contributions.
  2. Form the Grand Jury and select a Foreman. An essential qualification for a grand jury is that it represent a cross section of the community. If you advertise for grand jury members, won’t it just be comprised of nut cases? Normal people wouldn’t be willing to come within a mile of it. And you don’t think the word “impartial” belongs in there somewhere?
  3. Select a Private Attorney General to make Presentments to Grand Jury, if local DA refuses to make presentments. You can be sure that if you couldn’t persuade the DA to convene a real grand jury, there is no chance in hell that he would come within a mile of your illegitimate grand jury.
  4. Select a convenient Meeting Place. Preferably a concrete-reinforced, lead-lined room to keep Obama’s thugs from getting wind of the activity. Oh, yeah, you advertised. Never mind.
  5. Communicate with all Citizens who have criminal information to present. You say you want criminals?
  6. Schedule presentments by said Citizens. Be sure that those citizens present their original long-form birth certificates with the name of the attending physician, address of mother and father, birthplace of mother and father, state file number, time of birth and signatures of witnesses.
  7. Subpoena documents from Government Offices and Officials. Since you don’t have a real grand jury, no one is going to recognize your not real subpoenas. Of course, you could make your own Government  Offices and Officials and subpoena them!
  8. Schedule presentment of said Documents to Grand Jury by Grand Jury Attorney General. Is that something like a “grand inquisitor” or maybe a “grand dragon”? An real attorney general represents the people, not a private theater group.
  9. Have Grand Jury Attorney General present said Documents to Grand Jury. Of course, since you have no real subpoenas, you won’t have any real documents. Why don’t you write a few manifestos and submit them?
  10. After investigation and deliberation is completed, vote and issue a True Bill (Indictment) or No True Bill. Awww come on. You know it will be a true bill before you start, since you only select people who believe this conspiracy crap.
  11. Announce all Indictments to the Press. Ah, here we see the real purpose of this charade, publicity. Keep those PayPal buttons clicking.
  12. Serve the Indictment on the Judiciary for the Issuance of Arrest Warrants. You’re lucky if you don’t get arrested yourself. There’s gotta be some law about impersonating a government official.

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22 Responses to Birther 12-step program

  1. avatar
    US Citizen March 5, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

    Select a Private Attorney General????

  2. avatar
    Northland10 March 5, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    5. Communicate with all Citizens who have criminal information to present. You say you want criminals?

    I’d say they have this one covered rather well, if you were to go by their various criminal and court records.

  3. avatar
    Reality Check March 5, 2011 at 8:40 pm #

    The first Great American Grand Jury was informed that they might fun afoul of the law in several states that have laws against simulating a legal document. They quickly changed the name of their findings to “presentments” instead of indictments. These “presentments” found their way into trash cans all over DC.

  4. avatar
    misha March 5, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

    I did something similar: Birther Form Letter

    http://newyorkleftist.blogspot.com/2009/06/birthers-form-letter.html

  5. avatar
    misha March 5, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

    “with the name of the attending physician, address of mother and father, birthplace of mother and father, state file number, time of birth and signatures of witnesses.”

    Also, taxi medallion number, name of video/photographer, and that day’s newspaper headline.

  6. avatar
    Rickey March 5, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    Good look with the subpoenas. In Federal courts, subpoenas have to be signed by a judge. In most state courts, subpoenas served upon government agencies and/or officials must be signed by a judge (aka “So Ordered” subpoenas, as in “so ordered” by the judge). .

  7. avatar
    Slartibartfast March 5, 2011 at 9:35 pm #

    They need a sequel to this list explaining how to put together a fake trial to go with their fake grand jury – I’m sure the birther minister of hate would be glad to pass along a few nuggets of wisdom that he learned from his fake show trial…

  8. avatar
    Reality Check March 5, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

    I think they should file their fake indictments with Judge Royce Lamberth. He is very familiar with fake grand juries and knows exactly that to do. 😉

  9. avatar
    G March 5, 2011 at 11:29 pm #

    Reality Check: The first Great American Grand Jury was informed that they might fun afoul of the law in several states that have laws against simulating a legal document. They quickly changed the name of their findings to “presentments” instead of indictments. These “presentments” found their way into trash cans all over DC.

    Wow. More typical birther insanity of trying the same FAIL over and over again and not learning.

    They went down in endless flames trying these fantasy grand jury stunts well over a year ago….

    So of course their grand strategy is do pop back up now doing the same discredited nonsense…

  10. avatar
    Slartibartfast March 6, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    G: Wow.More typical birther insanity of trying the same FAIL over and over again and not learning.

    They went down in endless flames trying these fantasy grand jury stunts well over a year ago….

    So of course their grand strategy is do pop back up now doing the same discredited nonsense…

    I think that all of the birther memes are periodic in nature – this is necessary because none of them can withstand constant debunking. By rotating them they can stop them from being debunked long enough for them to ignore the debunking (because it hasn’t been in anything current).

  11. avatar
    Sef March 6, 2011 at 11:51 am #

    In step 2, make sure that the prospective grand juror thinks the defendant is guilty before he is allowed on the jury, ala the fun and games in Harlem.

  12. avatar
    Slartibartfast March 6, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    Sef:
    In step 2, make sure that the prospective grand juror thinks the defendant is guilty before he is allowed on the jury, ala the fun and games in Harlem.

    Actually, step 1 should provide a sufficient screen for inappropriately open-minded jurors…

  13. avatar
    euphgeek March 6, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    Reality Check:
    The first Great American Grand Jury was informed that they might fun afoul of the law in several states that have laws against simulating a legal document. They quickly changed the name of their findings to “presentments” instead of indictments. These “presentments” found their way into trash cans all over DC.

    I would have loved to be one of the people accepting these “presentments” so I could immediately turn around and feed them through the shredder right in front of them. Then I would ask, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

  14. avatar
    Sef March 6, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    euphgeek: I would have loved to be one of the people accepting these “presentments” so I could immediately turn around and feed them through the shredder right in front of them.Then I would ask, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Make sure they pay the shredding fee first.

  15. avatar
    Jules March 6, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    And here’s a great testimonial for following the 12-setp programme: http://docs.justia.com/cases/federal/district-courts/district-of-columbia/dcdce/1:2009mc00346/137380/2/

  16. avatar
    US Citizen March 6, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

    Sef: Make sure they pay the shredding fee first.

    This would be known as a “vertical separated collation” fee.
    Even birthers know what a shredder is, but give it an exotic name (ie: hac pro quo quid vice, etc) and they eat it right up.
    For example, “Your presentment has been filed in our immediate distribution and dissemination file” instead of simply “the trash.”

  17. avatar
    Thrifty March 7, 2011 at 1:32 pm #

    This whole thing is so absurd at every step of the way. I know that it’s ostensibly adults doing this, but I can’t help picturing a series of upturned cardboard boxes with magic marker decorations; various improvised seating arrangements; and stuffed animals serving as jurors, attorneys, a judge, and various other court officials. Except for the baliff, who will be an actual child dressed up in a Halloween costume.

    So according to these guys, all you need to present a grand jury and issue arrest warrants, is a grudge. A guy I knew in high school borrowed a hundred bucks from me 14 years ago and never paid me back. Can I indict him?

  18. avatar
    misha March 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    Thrifty: Can I indict him?

    Yes! Just ask Manning. He’ll let you use his basement.

  19. avatar
    dunstvangeet March 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm #

    Thrifty, it gets even more scary than that.

    There is fundamentally no difference between what they’re trying to do with the “citizen grand jury” and a bunch of Ku Klux Klan members getting together and convicting every Black man of Capital Murder, and then claiming that they have the right to execute every black man on the basis of this “conviction”. It’s redicilious.

    The people over at Fogbow called the “Citizen grand juries” the Fantasy Tiddlywinks league, and with good measure. They have about as much legal authority as that.

  20. avatar
    ASK Esq March 7, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    At some point, aren’t they required to let Obama roll a 12-sided die to try to deflect their attack?

  21. avatar
    Patrick McKinnion March 7, 2011 at 7:06 pm #

    dunstvangeet:
    The people over at Fogbow called the “Citizen grand juries” the Fantasy Tiddlywinks league, and with good measure.They have about as much legal authority as that.

    I came up with the “Fantasy Tiddlywinks League” phrase because I started to call the “American Grand Jury” the legal version of a Fantasy Baseball League. Someone who actually DOES the Fantasy Baseball thing commented on it, so I had to figure out what sounded completely useless and ineffectual.

    And came up with “Fantasy Tiddlywinks League” 🙂

  22. avatar
    Slartibartfast March 7, 2011 at 7:19 pm #

    Patrick McKinnion: I came up with the “Fantasy Tiddlywinks League” phrase because I started to call the “American Grand Jury” the legal version of a Fantasy Baseball League. Someone who actually DOES the Fantasy Baseball thing commented on it, so I had to figure out what sounded completely useless and ineffectual.

    And came up with “Fantasy Tiddlywinks League”

    Well done.