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Zullo’s Paradox

Zullo’s paradox is a result of the Theory of Special Relativity applied to an investigation.

Zullo is basically saying that he cannot release the results of the Cold Case Posse investigation because it’s not finished. It’s not finished because in the course of the investigation, new things are found to investigate.

It’s like a particle approaching the speed of light. The faster the particle goes, the more energy is required to accelerate it. The amount of energy required to actually reach the speed of light is infinite. In the same way the amount of investigation required to reach the release of information is also infinite because the more Zullo investigates, the more he discovers to investigate.

Zullo’s paradox relates to the well-known principle that a conspiracy theory grows to account for new evidence contradicting the theory. Therefore, it would take an infinite amount of evidence to counter a conspiracy theory.

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24 Responses to Zullo’s Paradox

  1. avatar
    ZixiOfIx June 23, 2014 at 1:18 am #

    From the point of view of someone gathering evidence to aid in a criminal prosecution, you don’t need all of the possible or potential evidence.

    You only need enough to gain a conviction in a timely manner.

    “All” of the evidence isn’t possible or practical, but it is a wonderful excuse to keep begging birthers to mash the pretty, jewel-like Paypal button.

  2. avatar
    Comrade Fogovich June 23, 2014 at 3:01 am #

    I see two very different paradoxes. That first one is so last March. :D

    Arpaio keeps saying that he’s getting close to finding the forger, so in theory that’s what Zullo has been up to. But that’s paradoxical too; how do you find the forger of a document that isn’t forged? It’s like trying to find the counterfeiter of the money in my wallet, based on a scan and copy of one of the bills.

    Also, how do you convince a skeptical press that your evidence is Universe-shattering, when everybody knows it came from a notorious con artist? Stephen Lemons carved out a second paradox that Zullo is struggling to solve.

    It’s a pickle.

  3. avatar
    ArthurWankspittle June 23, 2014 at 3:18 am #

    I’m going more for the Schroedinger’s Cat analogy, except there isn’t a cat.
    Zullo has a bag or box with cat in it, where the cat represents viable evidence of forgery and criminality on the part of Obama. He tells people about the box and the cat, he shows the box at meetings and seminars, but he always has an excuse as to why he can’t open the box and show the people the cat.
    The expression “pig in a poke” also seems apt.

  4. avatar
    The Magic M (not logged in) June 23, 2014 at 5:27 am #

    In the same way the amount of investigation required to reach the release of information is also infinite because the more Zullo investigates, the more he discovers to investigate.

    However, the amount of potentially discoverable “new information” is finite (since there’s a finite amount of information in the world) so the time to “finish” the investigation is finite – *unless* new information comes into existence faster than Zullo can investigate it (which is quite likely, but then he’d also have to investigate stuff totally unrelated to Obama, like every p0rn video on the planet).
    So another analogy would be trying to reach the border of a universe expanding faster than the speed of light – even if you were able to reach c, the border would still expand faster so you’d never reach it.
    Whereas birthers still believe in the existence of wormholes that will turn “forever” into “any day now”. ;)

  5. avatar
    Lupin June 23, 2014 at 5:45 am #

    Isn’t that Zeno’s paradox, Achilles and the turtle?

  6. avatar
    The Magic M (not logged in) June 23, 2014 at 7:43 am #

    Only if the investigation had diminishing returns in equally diminishing time (1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 + … = 2). But any conspiracy theory has the potential to return exponentially growing “new leads” (“OMG did you know the price of camels in Sri Lanka is directly connected to the number of federal judges appointed by Obama? We need to investigate Sri Lanka, back to 1961 at least!”).

  7. avatar
    Bonsall Obot June 23, 2014 at 7:53 am #

    Shortly after Soebarkah returned to his birthplace in Indonesia, he had the name of Ceylon changed to Sri Lanka. Ceylon.Cylon? Is Soebarkah a robot?

    Wheels within wheels, man.

  8. avatar
    Comrade Fogovich June 23, 2014 at 7:56 am #

    Wait, you can buy camels in Sri Lanka?

  9. avatar
    alg June 23, 2014 at 8:07 am #

    So now we know where the term “universe shattering” comes from. Just as the discovery of particles moving faster than the speed of light would be universe shattering, so too would be the disclosure and conclusion of the cold case posse investigation.

    It now all makes sense to me. My understanding of the situation has taken a quantum leap forward. All that’s left to discover is the elusive and ephemeral Taitz Boson.

  10. avatar
    Upgradedd June 23, 2014 at 8:16 am #

    alg: the elusive and ephemeral Taitz Boson…

    Spell check has it as the Taitz Bozon

  11. avatar
    Keith June 23, 2014 at 8:38 am #

    Lupin:
    Isn’t that Zeno’s paradox, Achilles and the turtle?

    Couldn’t be. Zeno was Greek and Greeks can’t be Natural Born Citizens because of um… ah… reindeer have, no… ah… futbol, no that’s not it, um… LOOK! BENGAZI!

  12. avatar
    Curious George June 23, 2014 at 10:08 am #

    Kinda like them saying the birth certificate has been proven to be a 110% forgery and a crime has been committed. But, the local PA won’t touch the evidence with a ten foot pole. The more evidence they develop the more their PA seems to remove himself from the situation. An endless trip into infinity.

  13. avatar
    CarlOrcas June 23, 2014 at 10:19 am #

    Curious George:
    Kinda like them saying the birth certificate has been proven to be a 110% forgery and a crime has been committed. But, the local PA won’t touch the evidence with aten foot pole.The more evidence they develop the more their PA seems to remove himself from the situation.An endless trip into infinity.

    I think Zullo has finally discovered the secret to perpetual motion.

  14. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy June 23, 2014 at 10:39 am #

    Thanks to Henry Blake for pointing out that the application in this article should have been to Special Relativity.

  15. avatar
    JPotter June 23, 2014 at 11:49 am #

    Comrade Fogovich: Arpaio keeps saying that he’s getting close to finding the forger, so in theory that’s what Zullo has been up to.

    That is the Zeno-Zullo Paradox. Always getting closer, yet never quite getting there ;)

  16. avatar
    Thomas Brown June 23, 2014 at 12:12 pm #

    Multiverse Theory too has application to Birferism. They seem to not want to discuss this universe until all others have been eliminated as possibilities. They want people who support the President to prove no other explanation for how BHO got into the office could have happened.

    We would have to prove that the LFBC wasn’t assembled by nano-bots from another dimension, each carrying a few micrograms of the fake certificate. They would have no trouble sneaking undetected into the Hawaii records office and assembling the LFBC right into the book.

    Any explanation, other than that BHO is the real deal, must be explored! BirferPhysics requires it, otherwise the proof is not rigorous.

  17. avatar
    Bonsall Obot June 23, 2014 at 12:20 pm #

    The Evil of Obama is the fifth force preventing formulation of the Unified Derp Theory.

  18. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy June 23, 2014 at 5:19 pm #

    It’s called “honing in.”

    JPotter: That is the Zeno-Zullo Paradox. Always getting closer, yet never quite getting there

  19. avatar
    Reality Check June 23, 2014 at 6:30 pm #

    Holy crap! Henry and I agree on something. I was going to correct you on the Special Theory of Relativity too. The General Theory of Relativity dealt with gravity, the curvature f space time, and the equivalency of gravity and inertia. .

    Trivia: Did you know that Einstein said a better name for his Theory of Relativity would be the Theory of Invariance?

    Dr. Conspiracy:
    Thanks to Henry Blake for pointing out that the application in this article should have been to Special Relativity.

  20. avatar
    Dr. Kenneth Noisewater June 23, 2014 at 8:51 pm #

    Reality Check:
    Holy crap! Henry and I agree on something. I was going to correct you on the Special Theory of Relativity too. The General Theory of Relativity dealt with gravity, the curvature f space time, and the equivalency of gravity and inertia. .

    Trivia: Did you know that Einstein said a better name for his Theory of Relativity would be the Theory of Invariance?

    There’s a first for everything. He’s spent the last day telling us how much he believes that Polarik is the forger of the Obama BC.

  21. avatar
    Sam the Centipede June 23, 2014 at 9:48 pm #

    Upgradedd: Spell check has it as the Taitz Bozon

    Created when a moron decays (with a screech) leaving a particle comprised of a strange quack and a charmless quack?

  22. avatar
    The Magic M (not logged in) June 24, 2014 at 5:13 am #

    alg: My understanding of the situation has taken a quantum leap forward.

    Any Planck day now!

  23. avatar
    Keith June 24, 2014 at 8:00 am #

    Sam the Centipede: Created when a moron decays (with a screech) leaving a particle comprised of a strange quack and a charmless quack?

    8-) ;-)

  24. avatar
    Andrew Vrba, PmG June 24, 2014 at 1:21 pm #

    What gets me about Taitz, is how she takes personal credit for world events.
    She’ll have headlines like “X months after I said something about this thing, someone did something related to that thing!”