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Dr. Conspiracy, sworn peace officer?

iVotronic voting machine with standToday is the day of the historic election to decide the future form of government for our town. Vote “Yes” signs are all over. It’s 6:25 AM as I type this and, if all is going according to schedule, election managers have been at the town hall for 10 minutes already setting up the iVotronic voting machines, putting up signs, making sure that the site is physically accessible for everyone and preparing for the thousands of potential voters who will decide our town’s future.

In South Carolina, election managers are sworn peace officers with full powers to enforce election laws within the polling places. I have been seriously considering trying to become one of them. I am told that county-wide we are short 300 people. The pay is not all that good, $60 for a 14-hour day (and another $60 for attending training), but is is a civic duty and a public good to serve.

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54 Responses to Dr. Conspiracy, sworn peace officer?

  1. avatar
    Keith August 12, 2014 at 7:38 am #

    I quite enjoyed working elections. Go for it Doc.

    I worked in the Computer Center not at the polling stations, but it was great fun in addition to the satisfaction of doing your part for the American democratic system.

  2. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 12, 2014 at 8:04 am #

    “In South Carolina, election managers are sworn peace officers with full powers to enforce election laws within the polling places. ”

    I felt a disturbance in the Force… as if somewhere, dozens of Birfers were hatching a harebrained scheme…

  3. avatar
    The Magic M (not logged in) August 12, 2014 at 9:33 am #

    Bonsall Obot: as if somewhere, dozens of Birfers were hatching a harebrained scheme

    Obama isn’t up for re-election, remember? ;-)

    (At least not officially yet, Operation THIRDTERM won’t kick in until after the 2014 elections, shhh!)

  4. avatar
    CarlOrcas August 12, 2014 at 9:40 am #

    Does this mean you could start your own posse?

  5. avatar
    JPotter August 12, 2014 at 9:45 am #

    Will you apply the full force of your investigative powers to overturning the birfers in the first term, or wait for your second? ;)

    Can I start selling tix to the Davidson v. Arpaio Law Down now? LOL

  6. avatar
    Curious George August 12, 2014 at 10:52 am #

    Does this mean you could also take in thousands of dollars in donations for your posse?

  7. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 12, 2014 at 11:26 am #

    The Magic M (not logged in): Obama isn’t up for re-election, remember?

    (At least not officially yet, Operation THIRDTERM won’t kick in until after the 2014 elections, shhh!)

    Ah, but in Birferstan, “sworn peace officers with full powers to enforce election laws within the polling places” means they can interrogate, arrest, convict and imprison anyone who looks like they may have voted for the Kenyan Muslim Usurper at any time. Birferstan is a curious place.

  8. avatar
    Jim August 12, 2014 at 1:18 pm #

    CarlOrcas:
    Does this mean you could start your own posse?

    I officially volunteer to be a member of the Dr. Posse. Do we get badges, guns, and a Crown Royal? :D

  9. avatar
    Crustacean August 12, 2014 at 2:14 pm #

    Jim: I officially volunteer to be a member of the Dr. Posse. Do we get badges, guns, and a Crown Royal?

    Badges, guns, and whisky? Heck yeah, sign me up!! Not wild about the name Dr. Posse, though. If you could work the word “gerbil” in there, we’d be getting somewhere. Or maybe Gerbil could be a rank, as in Deputy Gerbil, Gerbil Inspector, Master Gerbil, Patrol Gerbil…

  10. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy August 12, 2014 at 2:53 pm #

    I can get you a neat name tag.

    Crustacean: Badges, guns, and whisky? Heck yeah, sign me up!! Not wild about the name Dr. Posse, though

  11. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy August 12, 2014 at 2:54 pm #

    That was what the Orly Taitz Super PAC was for.

    Curious George:
    Does this mean you could also take in thousands of dollars in donations for your posse?

  12. avatar
    CarlOrcas August 12, 2014 at 3:22 pm #

    Jim: I officially volunteer to be a member of the Dr. Posse.Do we get badges, guns, and a Crown Royal?

    A wonderful Freudian slip!!

    (I think you’ll get a bottle of Crown Royal once you are out of probation.)

  13. avatar
    CarlOrcas August 12, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

    Dr. Conspiracy:
    I can get you a neat name tag.

    Can you share your rules of engagement with us? Are you authorized to use deadly force against 94-year-old grandmothers who don’t have valid ID if they try to enter the polling place?

  14. avatar
    Sef August 12, 2014 at 3:54 pm #

    CarlOrcas: Can you share your rules of engagement with us? Are you authorized to use deadly force against 94-year-old grandmothers who don’t have valid ID if they try to enter the polling place?

    No, but heaven help anyone who doesn’t fill in the oval completely. Or puts an extraneous mark anywhere on the ballot.

  15. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 12, 2014 at 4:04 pm #

    I want epaulets. Everything else is negotiable.

  16. avatar
    y_p_w August 12, 2014 at 4:36 pm #

    My wife did this once. The pay was actually better than you got – a total of $180 because she did assorted stuff like deliver materials and attend class (aka have me drive her to the training class and pick up the materials in my car). And once she was there, one of the workers she was supervising said it was typical for the inspector to buy dinner. Which meant I ended up spending $20 for a couple of buckets at KFC and delivering it to the polling place. I wasn’t working at the time, so I had plenty of time.

    No peace officer status though.

  17. avatar
    Keith August 12, 2014 at 4:43 pm #

    CarlOrcas:
    Does this mean you could start your own posse?

    All fourteen Birthers are applying for a job with the Dr. Posse. There is only one position so the Doc interviews them separately and narrows the choice down to three candidates.

    He takes the three candidates into the interview room and tells them that as members of the Dr. Posse, they’ll have to be good detectives, and good detectives have to have good observation skills. “I’ll show you a photograph of a suspect and then you tell me what important details you notice”.

    He shows the first one the photograph for 2 seconds; “Quickly now, what did you see?”.

    “Hmmm”, the first one says, “that man had only one eye!”.

    Doc rolls his eyes and says, “Of course you only saw one eye, the photo was in profile. I’m sorry we can’t use you.”

    He shows the second one the photograph for 2 seconds: “Quickly now, what did you see?”

    “Why, that man has only one ear.”

    “Didn’t you listen to what I just said to the other candidate? The photo is in profile, the other ear is hidden. Thank you for your time”.

    He shows the third one the photograph for 2 seconds: “Quickly now, what did you see?”

    “That man wears contact lenses”.

    “What?” Doc rifles through his report on the suspect in the photo; he does indeed wear contacts.

    “That is an outstanding bit of detection. How did you come to your conclusion?”

    “Well, with one eye and one ear he sure isn’t going to wear glasses is he?”

  18. avatar
    Benji Franklin August 12, 2014 at 5:06 pm #

    Bonsall Obot: I want epaulets. Everything else is negotiable.

    I want glow-in-the-dark epaulets and sparking metal cleet-taps on the heels of our Doctor Conspiracy Huggy-Plush Jack Boots.

  19. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 12, 2014 at 5:17 pm #

    I want all that, plus a riding crop with amplified whip-crack sounds. And some bitchin theme music.

  20. avatar
    1% Silver Nitrate August 12, 2014 at 5:20 pm #

    In my VA county, the pay for a sworn Officer of Election is $150 for workers, $165 for Assistant Chiefs, & $190 for Chiefs. I’ve been all 3 at one time or another over the past 11 years. For this, I attend ca 2 hours of training, get up at 4 AM on election day so I can be at the polling station at 5 AM, & help set up the machines so we can open at 6 AM. The polls are open for 13 hours, so we close at 7 PM & then take as long as it takes to count the votes, phone them in, & put away the equipment. If you pick up or drop off the pollbooks & other assorted items, you get $12 gas money for going or coming, $24 if you do both.

  21. avatar
    bovril August 12, 2014 at 5:49 pm #

    Bonsall Obot:
    I want epaulets. Everything else is negotiable.

    NO……. jackboots, shiny leather trenchcoat, fake limp and a fedora a-la Herr Flick of ‘Allo ‘Allo

  22. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy August 12, 2014 at 5:54 pm #

    It’s interesting. There is a new Voter ID law in South Carolina (since December 2003) that requires a photo ID to vote (a valid Driver’s License, a DMV ID Card, an Election Commission ID card, a federal military ID or a US Passport) and there are signs all over that say you have to have one of those forms of ID; however, you don’t really need an ID to vote. All you have to do is say that you feel that there is a barrier to your having an ID and you can vote a provisional paper ballot, and if no one provides evidence at a hearing that you’re not entitled to vote, then your vote counts.

    This is one of the reasons I’m interested in being a poll manager, to make sure that everyone who is entitled to vote is informed of their options.

    CarlOrcas: Can you share your rules of engagement with us? Are you authorized to use deadly force against 94-year-old grandmothers who don’t have valid ID if they try to enter the polling place?

  23. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy August 12, 2014 at 6:00 pm #

    So I went down after the polls had been open for an hour and a half to vote. I was the first in my precinct (out of 40). Another precinct had only one also. Just now I went with MS Conspiracy to vote and there were more people milling about, including the entire town council. I got interviewed by the Spartanburg Herald. My neighbor and his wife voted, so together we were 10% of the precinct. I understand that the turnout in the last primary for the County was 10% (not authoritative).

  24. avatar
    J.D. Sue August 12, 2014 at 6:11 pm #

    Dr. Conspiracy: This is one of the reasons I’m interested in being a poll manager, to make sure that everyone who is entitled to vote is informed of their options.

    —-
    IMO, it’s a very fundamental, important, traditional civic service. The polls need to be watched/guarded against shenanigans, and sometimes people just need assistance….

    I’ve never been a real poll worker, but I have on several occasions been a pro bono poll watcher and resource for people with questions. It’s fun (though a very long day); you see/meet a lot of people and feel connected to the grand election process.

  25. avatar
    Curious George August 12, 2014 at 7:04 pm #

    Will the Dr Posse cars have insurance and will they have cool government plates? And badges, will we get cool badges? Will we be a non-profit Dr Posse? Can we do press conferences to keep the faithful informed? Can we write books about our experience and sell them on Amazon? The possibilities are endless.

  26. avatar
    CarlOrcas August 12, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

    Dr. Conspiracy: This is one of the reasons I’m interested in being a poll manager, to make sure that everyone who is entitled to vote is informed of their options.

    Good for you. It’s clear that all this nonsense is nothing more than a not very veiled attempt to restrict voting by certain people.

  27. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 12, 2014 at 7:49 pm #

    Curious George:
    Will the Dr Posse cars have insurance and will they have cool government plates?And badges, will we get cool badges?Will we be a non-profit Dr Posse? Can we do press conferences to keep the faithful informed?Can we write books about our experienceand sell them on Amazon?The possibilities are endless.

    The answers to all your impertinent questions are in my copyrighted report, which has explosive contents I do not allow anyone to see.

  28. avatar
    Curious George August 12, 2014 at 9:26 pm #

    BonsallObot
    “The answers to all your impertinent questions are in my copyrighted report, which has explosive contents I do not allow anyone to see. ”

    Is the report…….Universe Shattering?

  29. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 12, 2014 at 9:46 pm #

    Curious George:

    Is the report…….Universe Shattering?

    I could drag you before a Citizens’ Grand Jury just for asking.

  30. avatar
    JPotter August 12, 2014 at 11:09 pm #

    Curious George: Can we write books about our experience and sell them on Amazon?

    About your experiences, no. About your conjectures and projections …. errrr, uh, the findings of your thorough investigation, yes.

  31. avatar
    JPotter August 12, 2014 at 11:11 pm #

    Curious George: Is the report…….Universe Shattering?

    Nope, universe mending. Obfuscation dissolving.

  32. avatar
    Andrew Vrba, PmG August 13, 2014 at 1:21 am #

    Curious George:
    BonsallObot
    “The answers to all your impertinent questions are in my copyrighted report, which has explosive contents I do not allow anyone to see.”

    Is the report…….Universe Shattering?

    AHH! The Universe is shatter-oh my bad…it was just gas.

  33. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy August 13, 2014 at 2:16 am #

    The change in government referendum passed 330-49. I even got quoted by the newspaper. I think the one-sided result had a lot to do with Lesbian Vampire Killer Gate.

    http://www.goupstate.com/article/20140812/ARTICLES/140819870/1083/ARTICLES?p=all&tc=pgall

  34. avatar
    Notorial Dissent August 13, 2014 at 4:40 am #

    I would say they really really disliked you Mayor from the sounds of that vote. Not that I can’t understand the reasoning behind it. I just hope you’re not changing one problem for another.

  35. avatar
    The Magic M (not logged in) August 13, 2014 at 4:43 am #

    Bonsall Obot: The answers to all your impertinent questions are in my copyrighted report, which has explosive contents I do not allow anyone to see.

    You should see my report; it’s so explosive I don’t even allow *myself* to see it!

  36. avatar
    Andrew Vrba, PmG August 13, 2014 at 9:55 am #

    Dr. Conspiracy:
    I think the one-sided result had a lot to do with Lesbian Vampire Killer Gate.

    I’m just waiting for someone to come up with a Gateghazi or a Ghazigate.

  37. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 13, 2014 at 11:34 am #

    The Magic M (not logged in):

    You should see my report; it’s so explosive I don’t even allow *myself* to see it!

    Ah, but I have the One True Report.
    All other reports are heretical.
    Send money and I will put you on an email list so you will be the first to know when I put my report in a new binder.

  38. avatar
    Rickey August 13, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

    Off topic, but Neil Abercrombie was defeated in the Democratic primary for re-election as governor of Hawaii.

    http://www.honolulumagazine.com/Honolulu-Magazine/Politics/August-2014/9-Reasons-Neil-Abercrombie-Lost-the-Hawaii-Governors-Race/#.U-ua4mOK2M0

    The open thread has closed, so I posted this here.

  39. avatar
    Greenfinches August 13, 2014 at 1:15 pm #

    Dr. Conspiracy: to make sure that everyone who is entitled to vote is informed of their options.

    good man!!

    Let everyone entitled to vote do so, and none of this voter suppression.

  40. avatar
    Andrew Vrba, PmG August 13, 2014 at 1:19 pm #

    Rickey:
    Off topic, but Neil Abercrombie was defeated in the Democratic primary for re-election as governor of Hawaii.

    http://www.honolulumagazine.com/Honolulu-Magazine/Politics/August-2014/9-Reasons-Neil-Abercrombie-Lost-the-Hawaii-Governors-Race/#.U-ua4mOK2M0

    The open thread has closed, so I posted this here.

    Predictably, some of the inmates at BR someone thinks this spells doom for Obama. The birthers wouldn’t know doom, if John Carmack gave them a signed copy.

  41. avatar
    CarlOrcas August 13, 2014 at 3:46 pm #

    Andrew Vrba, PmG: Predictably, some of the inmates at BR someone thinks this spells doom for Obama. The birthers wouldn’t know doom, if John Carmack gave them a signed copy.

    From a friend in Hawaii here is an analysis piece on Abercrombie’s fall from grace. He says its pretty much on the mark and…..Obama isn’t mentioned once.

    http://www.civilbeat.com/2014/08/denby-fawcett-a-pidgin-guide-to-neil-abercrombies-downfall/

  42. avatar
    The Magic M August 14, 2014 at 5:03 am #

    Bonsall Obot: Ah, but I have the One True Report.
    All other reports are heretical.
    Send money and I will put you on an email list so you will be the first to know when I put my report in a new binder.

    No, no, *you* send money to *me* and I will *not* put you on the list of those who will be first against the wall when the revolution comes, any day now!

  43. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 14, 2014 at 7:00 am #

    The Magic M: No, no, *you* send money to *me* and I will *not* put you on the list of those who will be first against the wall when the revolution comes, any day now!

    You are under Internet Citizens’ Arrest, In the Name of We, the People. Please sit quietly and await the arrival of the Citizens’ Grand Jury. It is considered rude to not provide them light refreshments when they arrive.

  44. avatar
    The Magic M August 14, 2014 at 11:30 am #

    Bonsall Obot: You are under Internet Citizens’ Arrest, In the Name of We, the People.

    You are in no position to carry out arrests.
    My Citizen Small Jury (consisting of me and half a dozen people I made up, and a Hello Kitty doll) has already sentenced you to Internet prison of at least 25 years. You are hereby ordered to assist my Citizen Shurfs (colloquially known as The Arpaios) and delete all your internets, put the Koran down and come out with your keyboard where I can see it. Wee the Purple have spoken!

  45. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 14, 2014 at 11:34 am #

    That escalated quickly.

  46. avatar
    Jim August 14, 2014 at 11:59 am #

    Since the open thread is closed, I might as well post this here. Savannah Guthrie, one of the eye witnesses to the President’s BC when it was shown at the WH but Zullo and Arpaio don’t believe in interviewing eyewitnesses…had a baby girl. Congrats to her and her husband. :D

    https://celebrity.yahoo.com/blogs/celeb-news/-today-s–savannah-guthrie-gives-birth-to-a-baby-xx-184553999.html

  47. avatar
    sfjeff August 14, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    Jim: Since the open thread is closed, I might as well post this here. Savannah Guthrie, one of the eye witnesses to the President’s BC when it was shown at the WH but Zullo and Arpaio don’t believe in interviewing eyewitnesses…had a baby girl. Congrats to her and her husband.

    I might as well be first-

    President Obama needs to prove that he is not the father of Savannah Guthrie’s baby!

    All previous Presidents have been willing to prove that they are not the father of Savnnah’ Guthrie’s baby- what is he hiding?

  48. avatar
    Crustacean August 14, 2014 at 3:41 pm #

    Bonsall Obot: That escalated quickly.

    Yes, but didn’t you notice that M offered up a great choice for your next band’s name: Wee the Purple.

  49. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 14, 2014 at 3:49 pm #

    Crustacean: Yes, but didn’t you notice that M offered up a great choice for your next band’s name: Wee the Purple.

    He wouldn’t respect my authoritah as a Patriot; I won’t give him the satisfaction of naming my awesome band.

  50. avatar
    Thomas Brown August 14, 2014 at 5:27 pm #

    sfjeff: President Obama needs to prove that he is not the father of Savannah Guthrie’s baby!

    I know… Sven is the father!

    No, wait… Savannah Guthrie is a female, and an adult.

    Never mind.

  51. avatar
    The Magic M August 15, 2014 at 6:52 am #

    Crustacean: Yes, but didn’t you notice that M offered up a great choice for your next band’s name: Wee the Purple.

    As a band name, that would have to be “Wee the Pürple”. At least you won’t run into the same hilarious issues as Mötley Crüe have when touring in Germany. ;)

  52. avatar
    Bonsall Obot August 15, 2014 at 7:23 am #

    Diacritical marks are a clear sign of creeping socialism, and we’ll have none of that.

  53. avatar
    Benji Franklin August 15, 2014 at 9:36 am #

    Bonsall Obot: Diacritical marks are a clear sign of creeping socialism, and we’ll have none of that.

    I think you meant that we will have none of that PERIOD

  54. avatar
    The Magic M August 15, 2014 at 9:58 am #

    Bonsall Obot: Diacritical marks are a clear sign of creeping socialism

    Söciälism or Sätänism or böth.

    (NB. I only learned about the “heavy metal umlaut” long after my school days and previously thought Motörhead and Mötley Crüe actually meant their names to be pronounced German.
    And of course there’s always Dr. Beardfacé, so Lupin doesn’t feel left out. ;))