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OK, I’ve been out mowing grass again; that’s where I get my “big” ideas. The Theory of Everything is sort of the Holy Grail of physics, the quest for a single theory that would unify General Relativity and Quantum Field Theory.

One of the (many) complaints you’ll hear about birthers on this site is that the birthers lack a coherent narrative. They criticize the standard theory (to be found in a biography of the President, an encyclopedia, or mainstream news article) based on various anomalies they think exist; however, they have never come up with any alternative narrative that fits the facts better, or even comes close to it.

So as I was mowing, I was thinking about how anti-birthers make fun of birthers for two reasons: one reason is to ridicule, belittle, downplay and dismiss them (in lieu of a scholarly dissection) and the other reason is that sometimes they are just funny. It was in that latter sense that I ran through in my mind the article from the King of  Shambhala at Before It’s News. It was his notion that “All the obots here are CIA pai[d] shills” that set me to thinking about a birther “Theory of Everything.”

In order to fit all the disparate birther semi-theories into a grand unified theory, it is necessary to develop a high-level meta-theory to explain the differences. The solution is obvious: posit a single powerful intelligence (PI) behind everything, who through bribery and coercion controls just about all the players in the birther controversy. So, for example, if Mike Zullo gets caught red-handed fabricating evidence, then either Zullo is part of the conspiracy whose role is to misdirect and discredit the birthers, or he is just gullible and the people who feed him theories are under the control of the PI. I mean, how else can you explain birthers still filing 100 lawsuits after 100 of them had been dismissed, if someone wasn’t paying them to do it?

Under the PI theory, it becomes clear that the long-form birth certificate was carefully constructed to mislead the birthers, salted with anomalies to make them waste time looking for more, but none conclusive enough to stand up to expert scrutiny. The Obama’s themself make ambiguous statements about the President’s roots, again to drive the birthers nuts, while leaving others skeptical. You can take your pick of the birthers of note (and I won’t name names here) who are Obama misinformation purveyors.

So then, the obvious conclusion is that the selection of Barack Obama to become president was carefully made, with his skin color and funny name, specifically for the purpose of creating the birther movement, which is actually spurious. The whole reason for the plot is to distract that powerful counterforce lying nascent on the Internet, comprised of true patriots™ and keyboard warriors™ (those immune from the drug-laden chemtrails and fluoride in the drinking water) who if not distracted by Obama would be focused on the real aims of the PI.

Basically, if one just denies all the evidence and all the testimony of folks on both sides, then suddenly everything fits perfectly. The remaining task to complete the theory is to identify the powerful intelligence. I will leave that up to you:

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