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Vogon poetry contest

According to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (chapter 7) , Vogon poetry is the third worst in the Universe. The example given in the book goes:

Oh freddled gruntbuggly ..
?… thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And booptiously drangle me with crunkly bindlewurdles
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don’t!

So the contest is for the most effective creation of poem in the Vogon style that contains the the character string “zullo.”

Thanks to commenters for the idea.

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28 Responses to Vogon poetry contest

  1. avatar
    justlw August 19, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

    Curious George: Rear Admiral and Grand Poobah Zullo.

    Prostetnic Vogon Zullo.

  2. avatar
    Andrew Vrba, PmG August 19, 2013 at 8:35 pm #

    Zullo…His name does sound very Vogon-esque doesn’t it?
    And the drivel he spews at his pressers does have that same indigestability that Vogon poetry has.
    Well that proves it! Zullo’s Earth certificate is forged. He is clearly a Vogon agent!

  3. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy August 19, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

    It does!

    Andrew Vrba, PmG: Zullo…His name does sound very Vogon-esque doesn’t it?

  4. avatar
    Andrew Vrba, PmG August 19, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

    Doc, truly you are a king among nerds!
    I tip my hat to you, good sir.

  5. avatar
    Slartibartfast August 20, 2013 at 1:05 am #

    Doc,

    It was supposed to be an epic in 13.6 volumes and I’m not sure I captured the Vogonity of the zeitgeist, but I was worried that I might have gone right past the Azgoths of Kria and gotten into Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings territory and feared that my liver might spontaneously implode in a desperate bid to save humanity so I had to quit in the first stanza.

    I gave some friends a reading, but Ford ran screaming from the room with blood streaming from his ears, Arthur panicked when I offered him a cup of tea and asked him what he thought, and both of Zaphod’s heads started yelling “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” at the top of their lungs. Even Marvin thought it was depressing (he said it gave him a pain in the diodes all down his side).

    Here for your eternal horror (read at your own risk):

    The Ballad of Hall Monitor Zullo and the Pissy Posse (or, please send money)

    Oh assblotchity Zullo, of whom the grubnuts doth shriek,
    And his micturating posse, that neither splorkle nor speak.
    The Tea Partying schlockdinger did bleeblebate to fetidenous skanklebingers,
    crying “Usurper, usurper!” with knopfels thackling.
    Mipsy gabturling Zullo badly wanted their money,
    for schlockfrinting and snotgobbling and wiltzing in Hawai’i.
    “Please send money”, smarmed high inquisitor Zullo,
    “And I’ll tell you what… I’ll smickduckle the Usurper”
    “all legal and stuff”
    “I’ll fartledung smurg him and hit him with vlurgg”
    “If you just send me money, I’ll hobbwarten his abblesphincter”
    “Our Savior!” the sheep did glurtwellingly articulate.
    “Please take all our zlingilchings and lynch the teeblewhacker glisthilking.”
    Short arm inspector Zullo an incontinent posse thlacklathered,
    “Please send money and then we’ll make the bugger’s eyes water!”

  6. avatar
    G August 20, 2013 at 1:23 am #

    BRAVO!!! 😉

    Slartibartfast:
    Doc,

    It was supposed to be an epic in 13.6 volumes and I’m not sure I captured the Vogonity of the zeitgeist, but I was worried that I might have gone right past the Azgoths of Kria and gotten into Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings territory and feared that my liver might spontaneously implode in a desperate bid to save humanity so I had to quit in the first stanza.

    I gave some friends a reading, but Ford ran screaming from the room with blood streaming from his ears, Arthur panicked when I offered him a cup of tea and asked him what he thought, and both of Zaphod’s heads started yelling “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” at the top of their lungs.Even Marvin thought it was depressing (he said it gave him a pain in the diodes all down his side).

    Here for your eternal horror (read at your own risk):

  7. avatar
    Benji Franklin August 20, 2013 at 1:29 am #

    Oh bedeeviled lawcifer
    Thy badgification is to the keeplaw street blooze
    As thy plastical decoder ring-a-ding is to
    The Medal of Onorous,
    You are the Zullo, destroyer of words,
    Super Lecturer to SCOTUS
    Yor Uncle Slippuree
    And auntie obama!
    Your a line sackashite and uh make-my-teeth itches
    With crackpotting roomers and steaming stool pitches
    As say Pal you Paypal the poor into cache,
    Recycling junque theories sew the first willabee last.

  8. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy August 20, 2013 at 1:54 am #

    A mind as big as a planet, and I have to listen to birthers.

    Andrew Vrba, PmG: Doc, truly you are a king among nerds!
    I tip my hat to you, good sir.

  9. avatar
    The Magic M August 20, 2013 at 4:04 am #

    The German translation of the Hitchhiker’s Guide is among the best English-to-German translations ever, IMO, as it perfectly mirrors the overall tone in general and the sound of the invented words (“Great Green Arkleseizure” etc.) in particular.
    I remember the poem starting “Oh zerfrettelter Grunzwanzling…”.

    Slartibartfast: Here for your eternal horror (read at your own risk):

    I expected no less from someone with your nickname. 😉 Maybe I’ll try later if I find the time.

  10. avatar
    Majority Will August 20, 2013 at 5:54 am #

    Slartibartfast:

    The Ballad of Hall Monitor Zullo and the Pissy Posse (or, please send money)

    Huzzah! Huzzah!

  11. avatar
    Thomas Brown August 20, 2013 at 6:37 am #

    Majority Will: Huzzah! Huzzah!

    Magna cum Laude sing Zullo!
    “Zullo, tit Zullo, tit Zullo!”

    Compliments to barglebards Slarti and Benji. Long may ye rave…

  12. avatar
    The Magic M August 20, 2013 at 6:47 am #


    Oh besmurfed transgibbered usurperation!
    How you ensmiggerate exchurned Commandress Zullo
    With insurflushable racistainery
    And in your refutablable Marxslimness
    Birthificate the mubblemonkish pacetriots
    For anydaynowable ohmygoshs
    And taitzonable shupperfilings
    In the judgenerous shimboodlepods!
    So I refutionate your imbecilicants
    And snappergnargle the ranktombous rage –
    Let me arpaionate you with my shitfanhitter
    Before your corsiframe meets my pronglefist!
    Ahoot! Ashun! Redopplecruz!
    Or I will nogglesmite your noodleborncitizen
    Just you wait!

  13. avatar
    Suranis August 20, 2013 at 10:11 am #

    Oh Lieficating Zullo, of bogus Leutenitification,
    Please provide amusement, for our gratification,
    For the investicagatintingigamy,’s pointlessitity has increased our alimentary canal’s agapmosity,
    Fish

  14. avatar
    Jim August 20, 2013 at 11:21 am #

    Layers be, layers be, layers be grond
    overweller, underfeller, aroundteller planking the song
    Up sin in a ployable nogadness
    Zullo rides in on a snail of paradymadness
    Filling the voids full of empty raw hatricide
    Leading his warptrawollow on a march of frog suicide
    Zullo pawdrakes his own philosacrates

    Layers be, layers be, layers be or maybe not
    With the Zullo no do queeble its not a hot rock
    100% forgery, VIPs, disentary drools
    monowackery, cayperberry, honky-gland fools
    Official buttfoons look for the swazziloons
    Experts in dussaflawness, dopes in a sea of clargle
    Zullo plays up his yapful laquissence

    Layers be, layers be, layers be send money
    Zullo needs new shirts, a car, and a jabberwocky
    plancarsic desires in his falcicade image
    Lead to the orsinkle if no nocraces moans
    Place your hawper in his pinxer
    But protect your wallet from his grincher
    Any day now

  15. avatar
    Jim August 20, 2013 at 11:42 am #

    Doc, you do realize this is a contest for second place, don’t you? You could pretty much put up any post by Orly that mentions Zullo and she’d win hands down! 😆

  16. avatar
    Hektor August 20, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

    Jim:
    Doc, you do realize this is a contest for second place, don’t you?You could pretty much put up any post by Orly that mentions Zullo and she’d win hands down!

    I don’t know, if Christopher Strunk has mentioned Zullo in one of his manifestos, he might give Orly a run for her money.

  17. avatar
    Dr. Conspiracy August 20, 2013 at 2:09 pm #

    Turgidly, turgidly, trugedly exbrigianding besplotting
    Crankesque garful, gad arful, politicansuency–
    Potaseksequessence, rolling, profound, gasseous, putreus, smearesque
    Fills within the manglebox kirillity of mountebessence.
    Crepuscular, crinoline, mashed, wholly banstischingly protubing,
    Pedals Zullo zanguid, fauxlieutenanesque, palid, portulentable.
    His reportanelols and Hayesing sequestering blindly,
    Within mocktoning birds hallow, partiality, pomposity, overweaning Orlyesque miching.
    Invisible tentacles, protobogosity, Martian and Afrained.
    Code 9, any day now!

  18. avatar
    Paper August 21, 2013 at 9:28 am #

    The Vogon Poetry Generator (http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/vogonpoetry/lettergen.shtml) says:

    See, see the Betty-Boop style sky
    Marvel at its big chartreuse depths.
    Tell me, Zullo do you
    Wonder why the candiru ignores you?
    Why its foobly stare
    makes you feel nauseous.
    I can tell you, it is
    Worried by your xytorgalogue facial growth
    That looks like
    Air.
    What’s more, it knows
    Your harrumphed potting shed
    Smells of olive pits.
    Everything under the big Betty-Boop style sky
    Asks why, why do you even bother?
    You only charm Sewages.

  19. avatar
    Paper August 21, 2013 at 9:30 am #

    I think it must be in translation from the original Vogon.

  20. avatar
    Thomas Brown August 21, 2013 at 11:43 pm #

    “That wasn’t so good, was it?” –Leonard Pinth-Garnell

  21. avatar
    The Magic M August 23, 2013 at 8:57 am #

    More birther poetry, non-Vogon this time (but almost equally “bad”).


    Zippy Zullo, zealous zombie
    Zapping zany zealots’ zeal
    Zealots feel
    Zero’s real
    Zullo’s mess
    Zilch success


    Gritty Gallups, greedy grifter
    Gayly grabbing geezers’ gold
    Geezers old
    Garbage told
    Gallups lied
    Geezers died


    Crafty Corsi, callous con-man
    Collecting crazy crackpots’ cash
    Crackpots clash
    Congress bash
    Corsi grins
    Obama wins

  22. avatar
    Sef August 28, 2013 at 10:10 am #

    To get the full effect of Vogon poetry one must sit in the special chair on their ship. Would OT’s dental chair suffice? Maybe CEL3 could tell us.

  23. avatar
    G August 28, 2013 at 9:48 pm #

    This has to be one of my favorite threads, ever! 😉

  24. avatar
    Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter August 29, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

    Well, the Vogon stuff already here is so good, that I don’t have a chance. Sooo, I will just provide a PMNJ poem, for fun. Or at least I hope it is fun. I could only find one example of her poetry.

    Mucking With Mire???
    In The Style of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings
    by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter

    Step off the Blunderbuss of Time
    Busy, short and yellow.
    “Hey, Sister, can you spare a dime?”
    Blasted out the fellow.

    “Tres Foxy me, I’ll Zullo be,
    Just try me, on my trime!
    But unlike Mario, prolix.
    And stingy with my rhyme!”

    So Ritalin me this Riddler,
    Do Addle All my mind!
    Violence of the Rufie Fiddler
    Natural and kind???

    Go Faster Faster Posse cat!
    Ye, El Seven yclept?
    Just march in circles, playing scat
    While always staying hep!

    I’m your Huckleberry Hounder
    Shucking with my jibe!
    Falling flatter than a flounder!
    I silently outgribe!

    Now, go and tear me limn from limn,
    An awful dialogue?
    I am Kadiddlehopper, Clem-
    While riding on a hog!

    Look! A Tura Leerer Liar?
    I see some Douce’ Dough?
    Toura Lyra Too, aspire?
    Ono UFO!

    Nicki Nicki Tembo
    No So Rembo
    Oo Ma Moochi
    Gamma Yamma Goochi

    A ruse by any other name,
    A name by any ruse.
    Clouseau’s hidden, a foot’s the game
    Erato is my Muse.

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

  25. avatar
    The Magic M August 30, 2013 at 3:52 am #

    Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter: A ruse by any other name,
    A name by any ruse.
    Clouseau’s hidden, a foot’s the game
    Erato is my Muse.

    Love it, Squeeky. 🙂

    Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter: I silently outgribe!

    Which means it’s time for a Lewis Carrol style poem, isn’t it? 😉

  26. avatar
    The Magic M August 30, 2013 at 4:05 am #

    A birther, hidden in the mire
    Heard a caboodling step
    And framptously crawled with desire
    T’escape a prawning trap
    Behind the whisty tree he peeked
    Lest weedles catch him swift
    And trembling as the shabmist reeked
    He set his frawl adrift
    And round the corner sliftly came
    Mike Zullo way from yonder
    Shnit grifter of ranktombous fame
    It makes the birther wonder
    “Where is his posse? Where his Carl?
    They’re nowhere near to see”
    “Ohgosh”, he purred with sneezy snarl
    “Invisibility!”
    One, two, one two
    And through and through
    Fear pierced his brawn like hay
    His last “kashoo” gave him awoo
    And his life passed away

    __________

    I could do better but it’s late in the week already…

  27. avatar
    Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter August 30, 2013 at 5:27 pm #

    Hi MagicM!!!

    That was great!!! Mr. Dodgsen would be very proud! I read somewhere that they used to do a lot of poems like that, with messages hidden in them. I actually did a few about 10 years ago in college, but I seem to have misplaced them.

    Oh, and above I cut and pasted from my word processor draft, and one stanza should actually read:

    Tres Foxy me, I’ll Zullo be!
    Just try me, on my trime!
    No Mario! Prolix, you’ll see,
    And stingy with my rhyme!

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

  28. avatar
    G August 30, 2013 at 9:12 pm #

    Always glad to be treated to your writing and poetry, Squeeks! 🙂

    Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter: Tres Foxy me, I’ll Zullo be!
    Just try me, on my trime!
    No Mario! Prolix, you’ll see,
    And stingy with my rhyme!