You might be a birther if…

Commenter Jim wrote:

Wish I could find the old Jeff Foxworthy takeoff I wrote years ago

“If you think a used car salesman playing cop is more reliable than the State of Hawaii, yew might be a birther.”

I think I had about 30-40 of them.

Help Jim out with some new ones. Here’s one of mine:

You might be a birther if you think removing the red eye from the pictures of your kid’s birthday party with Photoshop makes you a forensic document expert.

Not recommended, but you could check out:

About Dr. Conspiracy

I'm not a real doctor, but I have a master's degree.
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53 Responses to You might be a birther if…

  1. You might be a birther if OrlyTaitzEsq.com is your home page.

    [In the interests of full disclosure, this blog is my home page.]

  2. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you blame Obama for all of your misfortunes, you might be a birther.
    If gerbils and man-sex are two of your favorite subjects, you might be a birther.

  3. dunstvangeet says:

    If you have an odd obsession with small rodents, you just might be a birther…

  4. dunstvangeet says:

    If you think that meat salesmen steal your mail, you just might be a birther…

  5. Jim says:

    If you think Mario Apuzzo is a Constitutional expert…yew might be a birther.

    If you think an 18-year-old pregnant girl would travel half way round the world, away from her parents and friends, to have her first baby with strangers and in a country with inferior medical facilities…yew might be a birther.

    If you think an official police investigation would have a used-car salesman as its lead investigator and an internet preacher as its spokesman…yew might be a birther.

    If you have a record of over 200 loses with no wins, and think you’ll win the next one…yew might be a birther.

    If you think that having 1 black friend means that you’re not a racist…yew might be a birther.

    If you think that the Republican Governor of Hawaii and the Republican President would aid in a cover-up for a Democrat…yew might be a birther.

    If you think that after the Congress, the Courts, and the American people all accepted the President over-whelmingly your opinion that he’s not eligible will sway anybody to change their mind…yew might be a birther.

    If you think your interpretation of what makes a natural-born Citizen is better than a SCOTUS…yew might be a birther.

  6. Curious George says:

    You might be a birther if you’re still waiting for “Any day now.”

  7. Matt says:

    If you believe these two statements mean the same thing:

    1. If you are born in the country and have two citizen parents, you are a natural-born citizen.
    2. You must be born in the country and have two citizen parents to be a natural-born citizen.

    …You might be a birther.

  8. Jim says:

    I like that one CG

    If you think you’re getting rid of the President “Any Day Now”, after being told they would have him gone for over 5 years…yew might be a birther.

    If you think “Falcon” at BR knows as much as he thinks he knows…yew might be a birther.

    If you think the answer to your prayers can be provided by a mail-order lawyer who cannot even understand the simplest legal task…yew might be a birther.

    If you think the reason that all the courts have ruled against you is because the President “got” to them…yew might be a birther.

    If you have a rally to expel the President, and nobody even noticed you were there…yew might be a birther.

    If the only way you can get the President to acknowledge your existence is as the butt of jokes making fun of you…yew might be a birther.

    If anyone who disagrees with you is considered “the enemy” and should be tortured, slain, and burned…yew might be a birther.

    If when talking about the President, you get turned on by the thought of him having gay sex…yew might be a birther.

    If your greatest achievement on getting rid of the President is bad photshopping…yew might be a birther.

    I need to come up with some funnier ones…

  9. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you get all your news and information from deranged right wing blogs, because you think that vetted news sources are “untrustworthy” you might be a birther.

    If the people who believe the moon landing was a hoax think you’re just too crazy to be around, you might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever had the Secret Service pay you a visit, for shooting your mouth off online, you might be a birther.

    If the Klan actually tells you to tone down your racist rhetoric, you might be a birther.

  10. Jim says:

    If your big meeting with a congressman to present your evidence of the conspiracy has to be scrubbed from the internet because it shows that your evidence stinks…yew might be a birther.

    If you think AG Holder beamed from LA to Georgia and back the same morning so he could intercede in the Rhodes case…yew might be a birther.

    If you think Sheriff Arpaio cares about anything other than Sheriff Arpaio…yew might be a birther.

    If you think an image on the web is an “Official Court Document”…yew might be a birther.

    If you think that Zullo EVER had any congressman “on-board”…yew might be a birther.

    If you think a County Sheriff in Arizona has any authority or power over the President of the United States…yew might be a birther.

    If you’re not working, living in your mother’s basement, and getting your news from FOX…yew might be a birther.

    If you have to hide from and censor posters who disagree with you because you know they are right…yew might be a birther.

  11. Rickey says:

    If you believe that Orly Taitz is a civil rights attorney, you might be a birther.

    If you take the word of a convicted forger over that of the State of Hawaii, you might be a birther.

    If you believe that there is a difference between a “Certificate of Live Birth” and a “Certification of Live Birth,” you might be a birther.

    If you believe that Mike Zullo is sitting on “universe-shattering” evidence, you might be a birther.

  12. Jim says:

    If you’ve cited court cases that you think show the President is ineligible, but failed to read the whole opinion and it ends up strengthening the President’s claim…yew might be a birther.

    If your own client tells the judge that you misled her and are no longer her attorney…yew might be a birther.

    If you are using the President’s eligibility to scam birthers…yew might be a birther.

    If you claim to be an expert in a field you have no experience in…yew might be a birther.

    If you think that people with almost a billion dollars at their disposal and wanted nothing more than to beat the President couldn’t find the evidence that he was ineligible and you somehow are the only one that knows the “truth”…yew might be a birther.

    If you think the Clintons are “scared” of the Obamas because the “Scary Black Man” scares you…yew might be a birther.

    If you think you “know” what a natural-born Citizen is because you were taught it in school, even though you cannot find a single textbook or reference book from that era that says what you think it says…yew might be a birther.

    If you get upset whenever the President makes a joke about the birthers…yew might be a birther.

    If you think that RWNJ sites care about telling you the truth and not just trying to make you angry…yew might be a birther.

    If you claim every court that shot you down is a “win”…you are definitely a bither.

  13. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If your entire argument against Obama being who he says he is, hinges on words like “if”, you might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever tried to wipe a hole in the ground, you might be a birther.

    If would-be seditionists, with porn star mustaches, give you that funny feeling…you might be a birther.

    If you took an IQ test, and the results came back negative, you might be a birther.

    If your reaction to empirical data, and vetted information, contains sexual and/or racial slurs, you might be a birther.

  14. If you think Birther Report and the Post & Email are news sites you might be a birther (or Google News). 😯

  15. Arthur says:

    If you spell “President” with a capital “R.”

  16. wrecking ball says:

    If your family tree doesn’t fork, you just might be a birther…

  17. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If your family labeled you the black sheep, because all you talk about is Obama’s latest evil plot, you might be a birther.

  18. Crustacean says:

    If your marriage vows include the phrase, “keep your powder dry”…

  19. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you’ve retroactively blamed Obama for things he couldn’t possibly have done, you might be a birther.

    If you’ve uttered the phrase “Manchurian candidate” more than twice a day, and aren’t talking about the book or films, you might be a birther.

    If John Galt is one of your screen names, you might be a birther.

  20. Curious George says:

    Jim
    “If you have to hide from and censor posters who disagree with you because you know they are right…yew might be a birther.”

    So true! It can impact the PAY-PAL receipts.

  21. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you regularly use fancy Latin legal terms improperly, you might be a birther.

  22. Thinker (mobile) says:

    If you think that the only unquestionably genuine document in all of Obama’s life is his 1960s-era Indonesian grade school registration form (except for the part that says he was born in Honolulu), you might be a birther.

  23. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you’ve ever gotten into a “My conspiracy theory is better than your conspiracy theory!” argument, you might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever accused other RWNJs of not being patriotic enough, you might be a birther.

    If you think putting someone “on notice” has sort of legally binding effect, what-so-ever, you might be a birther.

  24. The Magic M (not logged in) says:

    You might be a birther if you make an appointment for 5:00 on Wednesday, then don’t show up and be all like “but I didn’t say which week/month/year”.

    You might be a birther if a cop stops you for speeding and you ask to see his real birth certificate and confirmation from Congress that he really is a cop and the person who hired him was legally authorized to hire cops.

    You might be a birther if your new girlfriend shows you her photo album and you’re all like “this is all photoshopped, who are you really?”.

  25. The Magic M (not logged in) says:

    You might be a birther if you’ve ever used the phrase “if … only did …, this would all go away” in real life.

    You might be a birther when your relatives call you “our crazy uncle”, but not in an affectionate way.

    You might be a birther if you reply to someone saying “Phew, that was a hard one” with “That’s what YOUR GERBIL said!”.

  26. The Magic M (not logged in) says:

    You might be a birther if you answer a multiple choice question with “no, these are ALL wrong”.

    You might be a birther if you think the British are more American than Hawaiians.

    You might be a birther if your best friend introduces someone as “my new girlfriend” and you reply “According to whom, Snopes? Everybody knows they’re run by Soros!”.

  27. Suranis says:

    If you think Obama’s term started in Sept 2008 and Bill Clinton’s ended Sept 11th 2001, you might be a birther.

  28. Notorial Dissent says:

    The scary part is that all of those can be completed with “then you are either clinically insane or stupid, or both”.

  29. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you claim to be a Constitutionalist, but go ballistic when the Full Faith and Credit Clause is brought up, you might be a birther.

  30. Curious George says:

    You might be a birther if you don’t get your way and decide to move to another country.

    You might be a birther if the Secret Service shows up at your front door and your back door.

    You might be a birther if you’re thinking about climbing the fence and storming the White House to deliver a Sheriff’s Kit.

    You might be a birther if you believe in the tooth fairy, and pretend badges.

    You might be a birther if you believe taxicab drivers are also investigative reporters.

    You might be a birther if you believe that some English dude can work out a numerical formula that proves that the Obama birth certificate isn’t real.

    You might be a birther if you think that any rebuttal of your position is of no concern.

    You might be a birther if you think a press conference dog and pony show is the same as a day in court.

    You might be a birther if you believe in court ready evidence and burnt jurisdiction.

    Burma Shave

  31. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you think a sheriff and a used car salesman trump the Constitution, you might be a birther.

    If you think taking pot-shots at the Presidents wife and children is somehow helpful to your crusade, you might be a birther.

  32. Janny says:

    You might be a birther if you think the obots are shaking in their boots because of the universe shattering revelations that are coming any day now.

  33. Jim says:

    If you think the President is mocking you by doing his job…yew might be a birther.

    If you think Michelle Obama is a man because strong, black women intimidate you…yew might be a birther.

    If you believe an April Fools Joke is proof the President is lying…yew might be a birther.

    If you believe the official record of the President’s birth is posted on the web and not in the archives in Hawaii…yew might be a birther.

    If you think the reason everyone disagrees with your delusions is because they’re all out to “get” you…yew might be a birther.

    If you think a gathering of less than 100 protestestors in DC would have any affect on the status of the Presidency…yew might be a birther.

    If you think the reason all the people are laughing at you and mocking you is because they’re “scared” of what you may find…yew might be a birther.

    If you are willing to wait over a year to continually be told they have “Universe-shattering” evidence by a group that has already been proven to lie to you…yew might be a birther.

    If you have daily thoughts of the President being gay…yew might be a birther.

    If your best evidence of the President’s ineligibility is a used-car salesman telling you to “Trust Me”…yew might be a birther.

    If you think talking tough on a heavily moderated RWNJ site scares anyone…yew might be delusional.

  34. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If your scream “treason”, every time Obama wiggles a finger, you might be a birther.
    If you claim the media is being controlled, because they choose not to pay you any attention, you might be a birther.

  35. Jim says:

    If you go to a family reunion and nobody, including your wife, will let their kids get near you because you’re the “crazy relative”…you might be a birther.

    If the staff at the courthouse calls for police protection every time they see you walking into the building…yew might be a birther.

    If even FOX News considers your theories on the President’s eligibility as “nuts”…yew might be a birther.

    If Rush and BO’R think that your ideas are even too far out there for them to use to disparage the President…yew might be a birther.

    If even your dog has been avoiding you so he doesn’t have to listen to your delusions…yew might be a birther.

    If you think a congressman giving you a polite brush-off is a sign that they are “on-board” with you…yew might be a birther.

    If your family has voted you “out of the house” and changed all the locks to avoid having to listen to your delusions…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve taught your parrot to say “Usurper”…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever returned your pancakes at IHop because you saw the President’s face when you added the syrup…yew might be a birther.

  36. justlw says:

    If you think the state of Hawaii actually passed a law to offer a place-of-birth-laundering service for foreign citizens, ya jest might be a birther.

  37. wrecking ball says:

    if you spell ukulele “V.K.LEE”……

  38. sfjeff says:

    If you call the 50 year old black President of the United States “boy”- yew might be a Birther.

    If you call Barack Obama “Buckwheat”- yew might be a Birther.

    If you insist on calling Barack Obama ‘mulatto’- yew might be a Birther.

    If you insist that you are not a racist, but that the half black Barack Obama has never shown any proof of his eligiblity- unlike every other President- yep- you are a Birther.

  39. Jim says:

    If you’ve ever had a judge tell you that your argument is “of little or no prohibitive value” and you consider that good news…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever had a judge mock you using your own “let me finish” phrase…you might be a birther.

    If you’ve seen a smiley face on a BC, a man in the moon, and ET…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve lost your job, your car, your family and your pride because you can’t stand that a black man has been elected President, twice…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever had a judge tell you that “evidence is not something you read on the internet”…yew might be a birther.

    If the highlight of your year was seeing Orly Taitz fail in court again…yew might be a birther, and need a hobby.

    If you believe the President is an alien from another planet (actually happened in Georgia)…yew might be a birther.

    If you think the President is ineliglble, but Ted Cruz, Bobby Jindal, and Marco Rubio are…yew might be a birther.

    If your biggest claim to fame is that you anonymously insulted the President on a little-read blog…yew might be a birther.

    If you think that the reason Zullo and Gallups can’t tell you what they’ve discovered for the last year is because it’s “universe-shattering” and not because they have nothing and don’t want to tell you they have nothing…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever had a defendant read from their own brief and you don’t recognize it because you failed to read it yourself…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve had to use pictures of other rallies to replace pictures your rallies because the turnout on your anti-President rallies was pathetic…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever attempted to testify as a witness during your closing arguments in a case…yew may need to go to law school.

    If you’ve ever sent money to Zullo or Taitz or Arpaio to help pay for the removal of the President…yew’ve been conned.

  40. AnyDayNow says:

    If your comments includes references to “false flags” and “DARPA”….

  41. Jim says:

    justlw: If you think the state of Hawaii actually passed a law to offer a place-of-birth-laundering service for foreign citizens, ya jest might be a birther.

    Or we could try…

    If you think a health law passed in 1982 has any affect on a birth that happened in 1961…yew might be a birther.

  42. AnyDayNow says:

    If you claim that you are “winning”, when all evidence shows the exact opposite, you are either Charlie Sheen, or you are a birther.

  43. Jim says:

    If you don’t think the FBI, CIA, and NSA did a thorough background check on the person who will be holding the key to our nuclear arsenal…yew might be a birther.

    If you think WND was really interested in getting the President removed and not interested in separating you from your money…yew might be a birther.

    If you hire a plane to fly an anti-President banner over a domed stadium…yew might be a birther.

    If you think any Presidential candidate should have to give each voter a certified copy of their BC before they can run for office…yew might be a birther.

    If you continually claim the President said something in a debate, and yet the recording and his opponent all show the President never said any such thing…yew might be a birther.

    If you get excited about the CCP telling you nothing and blaming you for their failure, AND YOU ACCEPT IT!…yew might be a birther.

    If an anonymous internet poster tells you they have the inside info and Zullo will get the President, and you believe him…yew might be a birther.

    If you can’t tell the difference between the Declaration of Independence, the Consitution, and SCOTUS precedence…yew might be a birther.

    If you think WH souvenirs with the image of the President’s BC are forgeries that can be prosecuted…yew might be a birther.

    If you think that zooming in on a PDF is the same as using a magnifying glass on a piece of paper…yew might be a birther.

  44. Suranis says:

    It you were screaming “disrespecting our President is disrespecting our country!!!” in the 00s, you might be a birther.

  45. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you consider disgraced ex-cops and dishonorably discharged, ex-military personnel as “true patriots”, and refer to them by the rank they no longer have any right being called, you might be a birther.

  46. Jim says:

    If your High School guidance counselor recommended that you should try “outhouse cleaner” as a profession…yew might be a birther.

    If your coworkers all get up and leave when you sit down at the lunch table…yew might be a birther.

    If your cat continually sh*ts in your slippers…the cat thinks yew might be a birther.

    If the city has condemned your home and moved everyone out but you…yew might be a birther.

    If you won’t buy a certain brand of underwear because their name includes the word “Fruit”…yew might be a birther.

    If you haven’t been invited out by your friends since Obama became President…yewr friends think yew might be a birther.

  47. Jim says:

    If your rejection letter from college contained the phrase “You’ve GOT to be kidding”…yew might be a birther.

    If your SAT scores came back as “We don’t score that low”…yew might be a birther.

    If your greatest claim to athletic success is playing “Tackling Dummy” in football…yew might be a birther.

    If you got thrown off Marching Band because you couldn’t remember which was your right foot and which was your left…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever had your election ballot thrown out because when it said to “Pick any 3 candidates” you couldn’t figure out how many 3 were…yew might be a birther.

    If your class ranking is 100 below the total number of students in your class…yew might be a birther.

    If you got thrown out of remedial reading class because you were holding the class back…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever been used as an example at family reunions of what “NOT” to turn into…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve ever shown up in court in sweats and tennis shoes because you thought a mediation session was a meditation session…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve been mocked at, laughed at, made fun of, and dismissed and you think that means people are scared of you…yew might be a birther.

    If you’ve spent hours in an outhouse trying to figure out how to flush the toilet…yew might be a birther.

    If you won’t accept an American BC as valid, but will accept a Canadian BC with no questions asked…yew might be a birther.

    If you carry a gun for self-defense and the only person you’ve shot is yourself accidentally in the foot…yew might be a birther.

  48. jdkinpa says:

    If you’re sure that World Net Daily is a great place to get your birfer fix for the day….you might be…. hell you most definitely are.. a birther!

  49. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    If you would sooner die from a disease, because treatment would involve a government approved vaccination, you might be a birther.

    If a complex conspiracy plot, that would make a Bond villain go “That’s way too busy!” seems more plausible than the word of the Hawaiian Department of Health, you might be a birther.

  50. aarrgghh says:

    if you need
    a white house
    quite literally
    a flaming birfer
    you just might be
    burma shave

  51. J.D. Sue says:

    If you think that Dred Scott v. Sanford provides persuasive legal authority regarding natural born citizenship–you might be a birther.

    If you want, and think the U.S. Constitution allows, a military coup to remove the President of the United States of America–you might be a birther.

  52. Keith says:

    Jim, is this the one you are looking for? I just found it in my stash of stolen quotes…

    Jim July 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm (Quote) #

    YOU MIGHT BE A BIRTHER

    A possible new routine for Jeff Foxworthy…try reading using his voice inflections.

    “If you think Joe Arpaio cares one whit about President Obama’s eligibility, you might be a birther”

    “If you think a pregnant 18 year-old would leave her mother, father, friends, and husband to have a baby in a 3rd world country she’s never been to before, you might be a birther”

    “If you think the Hawaii DOH would break their own laws just because Mike Zullo says they did, you might be a birther”

    “If you think Orly Taitz is one of the preeminent legal minds in our country, you might be a birther”

    “If you think the people claiming forgery are considered experts in the field of forgery, you might be a birther”

    “If you think the truth is what’s important to Jerome Corsi, you might be a birther”

    “If you think World Net Daily is a good source for accurate news, you might be a birther”

    “If you think Mario Apuzzo in a Constitutional expert, you might be a birther”

    “If you think that losing over 130 cases against no wins means you must be right, you might be a birther”

    “If you think an African would call himself a negro, you might be a birther”

    “If you think your best proof of a forgery is using the wrong table to read the coding on a birth certificate, you might be a birther”

    “If you think every Judge in the country is corrupt just because they disagree with you, you might be a birther”

    “If you think overthrowing the constitution is the only way to save the constitution, you might be a birther”

    “If you think Joseph Farah is one of the top editors in the country, you might be a birther”

    “If you think that there has been a conspiracy involving thousands of people, State agencies, federal agencies and the courts that has spanned over 50 years, you might be a birther”

    “If you don’t think President Obama has been thoroughly vetted by his opponents with hundreds of millions of dollars at their disposal, you might be a birther”

    “If you think President Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii without a single piece of evidence he was born anywhere else, you might be a birther”

    “If you believe Joe Arpaio was doing a true investigation of President Obama, you might be a birther”

    “If you believe that all President Obama has to do is release one more thing and the accusations will end, you might be a birther”

    “If you believe all this hooplah about the President isn’t about the color of his skin, you might be a birther”

    “If you believe “because we think so” is proof the Cold Case Posse has found a damning piece of evidence, you might be a birther”

    “If you believe that the White House would post a forgery of a document where all the information matches exactly what is on record with the State of Hawaii, you might be a birther”

    “If you believe that Barack Obama Sr. is not the father of Barack Obama II and the President’s mother just named him that way because she thought it was a nice name, you might be a birther”

    “If you believe the reason WND is pursuing this so hard is for the country and not for money, you might be a birther”

    “If you think that over 50 years ago, President Obama and his family went through all this trouble before the civil rights era because they were sure that a half-black child would become President, you might be a birther”

    “If you see a notice posted on a cork board, and spend all your energy complaining that it’s not a legitimate notice because the “cork board” is actually a piece of styrofoam painted to look like cork: you just may be a birther”

    “If you believe the April Fool’s joke that the President registered for College as a foreign student, you might be a birther (and a fool too!)”

    “If, after all this time and all this lack of evidence against the President you still believe he is not eligible for the office, you definitely ARE A BIRTHER

  53. Jim says:

    THAT’S IT!!! Over 2 years and over 70 losses later…they still are birthers! 😀

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